Shut the front door

I'm not sure where kids learn it but after the age of 2 they all freak out when anyone says "shut up". Someone is teaching them this and it certainly wasn't me. Not that I condone it, but come on, it's the least insulting S word I can't think of.

I never told my girls it was a bad word, and I have never used it towards them, but that doesn't stop them from verbally reprimanding me when I bust out a Cali girl-esque "shut up!!". I immediately have to apologize and pinky promise to never say it again. I always say it again. And they never miss a slip up.

It's getting old.

Dang kids watch me like a hawk.

Yesterday, the girls were watching some cartoon while I zoned out on the couch in a magical world of werewolves courtesy of some smut novel I am currently reading.

Mother-of-the-year I know.

One character shouted for someone to "shut up" and of course the girls freaked out.

B: "Mom!!! She said shut up!"

A: "Momma!!! She's a bad girl! She said shut up!"

Me: "Ok girls. She's bad. Life will go on."

B: "Yeah Alex, it's ok."

A: "No! It's a BAD word!"

B: "But it's only bad sometimes."

A: "Yeah, like, Mommys can say it. But you can't Beau. And I can't say it eiber (either).

B: (giggling) "Yeah cause Mom says it all the time."

A: (giggling) "Yeah. She's a stinker. Daddy should spank her."

B: "Yeah. Daddy saids mom likes spankings"

Me: "Ok! Who wants a Popsicle?!"



I really should stop saying "shut up".

Beau-isms

If I had any idea how to read music I would be able to explain this but I can't so I will just have to take my 5 year olds word for it...

After spending just 1 minute at the chalkboard writing two lines of music she clapped her hands. With a ruler in hand as her pointer she announced,

"Alright class, this is easy. Just repeat after me. Run, run, walk, walk, rest, real long note. Got it?"

"Uhh..."

"One more time. Run, run, walk, walk, rest, real long note."

"...sure"


When Sam got home she did the same routine. His reaction was pure astonishment.

"Our kid is a genius."

Perp-Alex-ing moments

This kid is so stubborn.

I had a 10 minute argument with her about her panties being on backwards. It was filled with absurdities.


-She is convinced since there is no tag on the front that they are fine.

I explained I cut the tag out.

She said she still can't see a tag.

---

- I tried to show her that there is WAY MORE room in the front than the back by showing pictures of herself.

She responded with "I can see my tummy! I'm so silly"

*facepalm

---

-I showed her there isn't enough material to cover all her trunk junk.

She said her panties aren't junk.

---

- I tried again to tell her there wasn't enough material to cover her booty.

She said "I fink it cobers enough mom"

---

- I eventually gave up and told her she couldn't complain even once about having a wedgie.

She then went on to complain about her wedgie for the rest of the day.



It's a good thing she's so cute.

So, this is what's been happening lately...

Have you ever been working on a post for your blog and after 600 words or so the app for your phone crashes and you lose all the work you just did?  So then you suck it up and try again, and its ok because it turns out the post was better the second time?  So you are about to post it and the app crashes again, losing everything? Again?  So you decide to try ONE LAST TIME, but quick and easy, just pictures, no words?  And it crashes again?  So then you decide maybe a little break from the blog is warranted?  No?  Well that happened to me, so yes a little break was warranted :)

But I should now post what I missed, from the iMac of course.... So, this is what's been happening lately...


Spring break with Mark and Kathy was a blast!

I love those guys :)  The week was filled with garlic shrimp from Macky's, Whale watching, beach days, sweet potato fries from Wahoo's, Flying Dragon sushi roll from Roy's, getting lost in the world's largest maze (several times actually), moonlit walks on the beach, laughing at drunk idiots at the beach bar on St Patty's day, heated arguments over iPhones vs anything else, inebriated CrossFit tutorials, 4 little girls giggling together, 4 little girls crying together, and 4 adults laughing almost nonstop together for the first time in over 2 years.

2 little girls. Passed. Out.

Alex started swim lessons.  And finished them.

A rare photo of Alex getting her whole body wet.  

She has a remarkable ability to constantly maintain 

enough torque in her body to never fully submerge, its uncanny.

Fact: You must wear goggles in the pool, 

even if you never allow your head to go anywhere

 near the water.

Easter. 

No staged pictures this year.  

No smile for the camera.  

Just, "have fun, its Easter" :)

Me: "Dont you guys want to find eggs?"

Them: *silence

Me: "Ooook"

Playing with silly spray

"Mom, my spway is pink!"

Best family ever :)

posing with the creepy easter bunny that made 2 kids scream in terror

Beau is determined to get that egg.

This kid is still goofier than ever :)

Beau had a party at school.  I brought the mini terror along.  Because I thought the most likely result would be that Alex would throw a fit, kick or hit a kindergartener resulting in the kindergartener having to visit the nurse and then the other moms would never ask me to help out again.

Instead, they were both angels and everyone was asking my secrets for raising siblings who get along so well.  

We were given an open invitation back anytime.

Thanks Alex. Thanks for nothing.

Aww, but they are precious.

We still live in paradise and have friends who can see this sunset everyday.

Beau watched The Hobbit for the first time.

She jumped up and down and shouted "Shoot him in the wolf!" throughout the entirety of the final fight scene between Azog and Thorin.

Alex was less than impressed.

I think thats about all.

Oh. And of course this happened :)

I love that man of mine :)

Checkidy check

I have many lists.  To do lists, Books to Read lists, Places to Eat lists, Places to Visit lists, Lists to Make lists.  I also have creative lists.  Things I want to create are different than to do lists because to do lists are boring and painful to complete.  Creative lists are supposed to be fun...supposed to be.

Anyway...I have had grand ideas for an outdoor ottoman on our lanai. For a long time. It has been at the top of a short list for a lo-oo-ong time.

I got a free pallet when my couch was delivered - score - and anyone who has ever heard of Pinterest knows when you have a pallet, you use it.

I'm not exactly a crafty person. By that I mean if it requires power tools or more than 6 steps, I am out. You know that saying "measure twice, cut once"? Yeah, I'm more of a cut first and see if anything is salvageable later. I am that person who when hanging a picture will use a book or children's toy to hammer the nail into the wall as opposed to searching for the drill bit and hammer required to hang it properly. I am far more likely to make 12 holes in the wall instead of measuring it out ahead of time. This project was no different and I still couldn't screw it up so you know it must be easy.

All I needed was:
Pallet
Legs
Leg attachment kit
Mattress foam pad
Material or shower curtain
Staple gun
A Helpful Husband ;)

Step 1:
Have your hubby cut down the outside of the middle support beam so it is a rectangle instead of a square. You can do this yourself if you want, but why? My hubby was just sitting there watching soccer. Show a little side boob and he will usually do whatever I ask.

Step 2:
Buy precut legs and attachment kit from Home Depot. If you are crafty you can cut some wood, drill them into the pallet and and still have time to bedazzle your jeans. I took the easy way out. Just buy a kit.

Step 3:
Spray paint legs. You can stain them but why bother when a spray can can get it done in 2 minutes.

Step 4:
Lay a shower curtain, pattern side down, on the floor. Top with 2 layers of the foam mattress pad on top. This is also referred to as egg crate padding, a twin sized pad was big enough for 2 layers. Lay the pallet bottom side up on top of the layers.

Step 5: work your way around the pallet stapling the curtain to the underside of the wood. Be sure to pull the material tight.

Step 6:
Have hubby attach the legs using the leg kit. Did I mention yet that this step was crazy easy? It was so easy I could have done it myself. But I didnt. Because I got married for a reason, and while I'm not saying the only reason I got married was to have a husband to do the things I don't want to do, I'm not NOT saying that either. (Love you Sam :))

Voila! That's it.

The entire project only took me about a year.
But the average person should be able to finish in about 30 minutes.

So that's one thing I can check off my list :)

St Patty's Day!

I needed a nice recovery from Saturdays poop filled extravaganza so we started the day off with my Paleo Casserole, went to the beach, fabulous night out with my boo, and twilight walk on the beach for St Patty's Day. And all with our great friends and their beautiful daughters in town!

It definitely made up for yesterday :)

Look at these gorgeous couples!

Kathy and I have been friends since the summer of 99 and I still cant get enough of her fabulousness :)

Look at what a cutie my man is :)

Perp-Alex-ing Moments

It's a beautiful Saturday morning at the beginning of spring break. The girls and I are cheering on Daddy at his soccer game. The game is going well and Sam is kicking butt. The girls are getting along writing their names in the dirt with sticks. A perfect day with my family filled with cheers and laughter.

Beau wants to take a lap around the track to get closer to daddy so he can hear her cheering better but Alex wants to stay and keep drawing. That's fine, I think to myself, she is nowhere near cars and at most I will be an 1/8th of a mile away.

Beau and I start walking. I'm splitting my time watching the game and looking back at Alex. An exciting moment in the game happens and Sam stops a goal. His team cheers and then it gets very quiet. Beau shouts

"Daddy, you are SO cute!"

I, and a few guys on the field, chuckle at the adorable girl in the sparkly skirt and dirt streaked face cheering for her daddy.

At this point we are on the complete opposite side of the field from Alex and I notice she has started to walk towards us. Beau and I stop to wait for her.

My attention gets drawn back to the game for a few moments before I realize I can't see Alex anymore.

A moment of panic sets in as I start walking back towards where I last saw her. At that moment she becomes visible again walking from behind a building, away from us. I shout to her,

"Alex, come this way"

She stops.

Turns.

Looks at me.

And pulls down her pants and squats.


I'm torn whether to scream at her to stop or cross my legs to prevent myself from peeing my pants from laughter. Ok so not so much torn as prevented from screaming because I'm laughing too hard.

Here she is, my almost 4 year old mooning the entire soccer field as she sits in a squat letting it rip.

I'm hoping no one is paying any attention to her but as it turns out a mother screaming for her child and running, only to stop and crunch into the "I'm laughing so hard I'm going to pee" pose, gets some heads turning.

I compose myself and walk over to face the mess of pee that I just know is completely soaking her pants when Beau - who had run ahead of me - shouts,

"Oh my gosh! Umm, mom you gotta see this"

I notice Alex is alternating between shaking her hands to get something off and wiping her hands on her pants - which are still around her ankles. This sobers me up and I start dreading what I'm going to see.

Alex notices I am almost there and frantically pulls her pants up. Beau is still staring wide eyes at the ground and as I approach I see it.

The biggest pile of poo I have ever seen.

It's not just big. It's steaming. And it's not cold outside so I'm not sure what this mass consists of to cause this steam effect.

I lock eyes with Alex to see orange poo covering her hands, pants, shirt, face, and hair.

How did she get it so many different places?!

Why is it orange?!

What the hell do I do now?!

We can't just leave and go home because daddy is still playing and wouldn't appreciate walking home after his game. We can't just go home for a quick change of clothes because I know this is going to require a full body scrubbing. The only option I have is to quickly clear away the mess and wait until the game is over.

30 baby wipes and half a bottle of hand sanitizer later, Alex is buckled into her seat naked aside from a clean pair of panties I always keep in the car.

-Props and pats on the back to me for being a prepared mommy-

The clothes all got trashed without a second glance and the smell is permanently ingrained in my olfactory receptors but we survived.

10 minutes later the game is almost done and we can almost go home. Almost.

"Mommy. I'm sorry I pooped on the grass. That's bad because I probaly killed the grass."

"It's ok. You aren't in trouble but you really can't do that again. Ok?"

"Ok"

... 17 seconds later...

"Mom. I need to go pee pee."

"How is that possible? You should be dehydrated from the load you just left. Can you hold it?"

"Nope"



I'm not sure I'm prepared to tell the story of me carrying my panty clad child through a baseball field only to discover the bathrooms were out of order due to the sewer system backing up. I'm just not ready yet.

And I'm certainly not ready to tell the story of how I had no choice to use said bathroom anyway.

There was splashing involved. *shudder*



Here is a pic I snapped when the situation was still funny.