Saturday, March 16, 2013

Perp-Alex-ing Moments

It's a beautiful Saturday morning at the beginning of spring break. The girls and I are cheering on Daddy at his soccer game. The game is going well and Sam is kicking butt. The girls are getting along writing their names in the dirt with sticks. A perfect day with my family filled with cheers and laughter.

Beau wants to take a lap around the track to get closer to daddy so he can hear her cheering better but Alex wants to stay and keep drawing. That's fine, I think to myself, she is nowhere near cars and at most I will be an 1/8th of a mile away.

Beau and I start walking. I'm splitting my time watching the game and looking back at Alex. An exciting moment in the game happens and Sam stops a goal. His team cheers and then it gets very quiet. Beau shouts

"Daddy, you are SO cute!"

I, and a few guys on the field, chuckle at the adorable girl in the sparkly skirt and dirt streaked face cheering for her daddy.

At this point we are on the complete opposite side of the field from Alex and I notice she has started to walk towards us. Beau and I stop to wait for her.

My attention gets drawn back to the game for a few moments before I realize I can't see Alex anymore.

A moment of panic sets in as I start walking back towards where I last saw her. At that moment she becomes visible again walking from behind a building, away from us. I shout to her,

"Alex, come this way"

She stops.


Looks at me.

And pulls down her pants and squats.

I'm torn whether to scream at her to stop or cross my legs to prevent myself from peeing my pants from laughter. Ok so not so much torn as prevented from screaming because I'm laughing too hard.

Here she is, my almost 4 year old mooning the entire soccer field as she sits in a squat letting it rip.

I'm hoping no one is paying any attention to her but as it turns out a mother screaming for her child and running, only to stop and crunch into the "I'm laughing so hard I'm going to pee" pose, gets some heads turning.

I compose myself and walk over to face the mess of pee that I just know is completely soaking her pants when Beau - who had run ahead of me - shouts,

"Oh my gosh! Umm, mom you gotta see this"

I notice Alex is alternating between shaking her hands to get something off and wiping her hands on her pants - which are still around her ankles. This sobers me up and I start dreading what I'm going to see.

Alex notices I am almost there and frantically pulls her pants up. Beau is still staring wide eyes at the ground and as I approach I see it.

The biggest pile of poo I have ever seen.

It's not just big. It's steaming. And it's not cold outside so I'm not sure what this mass consists of to cause this steam effect.

I lock eyes with Alex to see orange poo covering her hands, pants, shirt, face, and hair.

How did she get it so many different places?!

Why is it orange?!

What the hell do I do now?!

We can't just leave and go home because daddy is still playing and wouldn't appreciate walking home after his game. We can't just go home for a quick change of clothes because I know this is going to require a full body scrubbing. The only option I have is to quickly clear away the mess and wait until the game is over.

30 baby wipes and half a bottle of hand sanitizer later, Alex is buckled into her seat naked aside from a clean pair of panties I always keep in the car.

-Props and pats on the back to me for being a prepared mommy-

The clothes all got trashed without a second glance and the smell is permanently ingrained in my olfactory receptors but we survived.

10 minutes later the game is almost done and we can almost go home. Almost.

"Mommy. I'm sorry I pooped on the grass. That's bad because I probaly killed the grass."

"It's ok. You aren't in trouble but you really can't do that again. Ok?"


... 17 seconds later...

"Mom. I need to go pee pee."

"How is that possible? You should be dehydrated from the load you just left. Can you hold it?"


I'm not sure I'm prepared to tell the story of me carrying my panty clad child through a baseball field only to discover the bathrooms were out of order due to the sewer system backing up. I'm just not ready yet.

And I'm certainly not ready to tell the story of how I had no choice to use said bathroom anyway.

There was splashing involved. *shudder*

Here is a pic I snapped when the situation was still funny.

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